Work Stress |

Hello my loves,

I write this at 1:15am. I'm drained. Mentally, physically and just drained in every way possible. Life honestly has thrown some curve balls my way recently but I think I'm at the end of the line on what I can take. I have worked the same job for six years. Now while my job isn't important, it can be stressful. I used to go into work and still manage to have a good day. There would always be one reason to smile even though it would be manic.

Lately I come home angry about the day. I come home with the weight of everything on my shoulders. The team I work with can be lovely but then some days the toxic traits fill the air and I can hardly breath. Today I got in trouble for simply helping someone. You know those days where you go "I can admit I'm a bitch but for once I was actually just trying to be nice and help someone else" and it just got thrown back in my face.

I won't apologise for doing my job, I won't apologise for knowing that while everyone else will happily just run around in the chaos, I will step up and take charge and go no we need to do this. That trait doesn't come naturally to me. It's something I have had to learn to do and I'll be damned if I get told I'm in the wrong for doing my job and keeping things going. 

People assume I do fuck all at my job but the amount of heavy lifting and work I do that they don't see, it's like it just doesn't matter. I could sit and tell thousands of tales of some of the people around me but I won't. I won't give them the time of day or my brain space anymore. I think I have finally realised that I need to get out of that place. My one tie to the job won't be there much longer soon and I am honestly thinking of just leaving. Now it's not a decision I am taking lightly. I am not a quitter. I don't like to give up when things get hard, I just feel like I am being left with no choice. My mental wellbeing is suffering massively now and I know that if I don't take action now, this job will destroy me. 

I have honestly given my all to that place and for what? For lack of respect. For having my name dragged through the mud for doing my job. I just know when I everniutally get pregnant, I have to weigh up if it is healthy for me to be trying to grow a new human with that much stress. the answer is of course no. I wouldn't want to risk any harm or stress. Now some might say its a silly reason to quit my job. Financially I would be okay and I know I would find a job again. Now I know I am very fortunate to have a job in the current climate but honestly, for my own well being now. It's just not worth it. It's not worth the hours I come home and shout and cry about work. It's not worth the days off I spend ill in bed because I have stressed out so much about the day to come. 

Anyone else had an issue with a toxic workplace? Did it get any better? Did you leave? just let me know in the comments please as I am struggling right now. I just want to be able to leave work there and just be able to find some peace.

Love always,

Maggie-Rose x

Accepting Who I Am | A Long Time Coming

 Hello my loves,

Now anyone that knows me well, will know that I have taken a long time to who accept who I am. I have always struggled with how I am as a person. I've had my character dragged through the mud recently. I've been accused of making peoples lives hell and basically being controlling and that isn't me. 

I'm realising that just because I have a mental heath problem, some people take that and turn it back on me and use it against me. Now I've been put on fluoxetine to help balance my moods and hopefully just make things a lot better for me. The events in my life lately destroyed me. They ripped the heart out of me and I've had to re-build who I am. Instead of changing all the parts of me that someone destroyed. I've decided to just live my true self. 

I won't be made to feel weak because I struggle with mental health. I won't be made to feel ugly because I choose not to wear make up all the time. I won't be made to feel like a bitch for getting mad when plans are changed on me last minute and I will be damned if I let the actions of people in my past affect my future. I'm stronger. I building a better me. One that won't stand for the shit anymore. People could look at one of my life choices and just think "Whyyyyyyyyy" and I totally get it. But in the same respect. It's a choice I've had to make for me, against the opinion of others I've followed my heart. Granted this was the same heart that got torn from me and trampled on. It left me broken, dejected and feeling like a worthless piece of shit. But that heart has started to mend. It's more guarded and it's just doing things that will make it happy now. If I find I'm not happy. I walk away. I'm not up for a life of pleasing anyone else but me now. 

In some respects, accepting me for who I am has made me a bigger bitch. I think because this isn't like me. I'm a people pleaser and I always have been. I've allowed people to treat me like shit for so long that I forgot who I was. Now she's back and damn she's doing what's right for her. I'm just proud of myself. I think I could sit and let the past define me. I could let them win. The monsters from my past are a daily reminder to not forget how strong I am. The images that pop into my head, fill me with so much anger are there to remind me that no one can be trusted. We just have to have faith that we will get treated better. 

I don't know where I'm going but this journey is shaping me into the woman I need to be. I am exactly how I need to be. I am strong. I am a "powerhouse" allegedly and I like that. I am chunky but I love it. I have scars but every mark on my skin is a battle I have fought alone, a battle I have won. Everyone I have ever crossed has seen a different version of me. Only one person on this planet knows the real me and sadly I won't get to see her much for a while. I know I need to just protect me. I know I need to be that person. That outspoken person who is sure of herself. 

There will be a lot of people who are not prepared for the woman I am becoming but damn, she's been treated like shit for so long that it's time for me to claim back who I am. So here's to all of us. The people we have been hiding for so long. The versions of us we finally have the courage to be. For too long we have been put down, treated like a short to a film. We are the blockbuster. This is our story and let's start living it. I'm happy with who I am and I encourage you to evaluate things, see what makes you happy. Realise that you're perfect just the way you and and please just make sure you are happy.

So here's to the woman that likes to be in bed by 9. Who indulged in the extra biscuits even though there's probably crumbs down her bra already from a pack of digestives. For the woman who everyone calls a bitch because she knows her own mind. Here's to me. Here's to the person I am.