Mum Life | Harder than it looked

Hello my loves,

Now it has been my dream to be a mum since I was little. Now the reality of mum life is actually much different to the dream I had as a little girl. Don't get me wrong, I didn't think this would be a walk in the park and I knew it would have its ups and downs. This is just a little post to be like "it's okay to miss little things from life pre-baby". I love Barney with everything I have but I've gone from me to mum and it's a whole different level.

Now I think what I'm struggling with is feeling trapped in my house. I'm naturally a messy person, I've tried really hard since Barneys been here to keep on top of it but Barney is just very much a boy that will not be put down. Thankfully this week he's taken to Peppa pig and I never thought a cartoon pig would become a lifeline for me but here I am, a disheveled woman clinging to the parenting skills of a cartoon pig to amuse my son long enough to put a wash on. 

Honestly I love him but I never thought I'd be dying to get housework done. Or have a spur of the moment bubble bath without having to schedule it in with my other half. Single parents I salute you because this shits hard and there's two of us!

A hot drink. A hot drink is a bloody rarity for me now. I think I've drunk more Luke warm mugs of tea in the last seven weeks than I have in my 25 years on this earth. I just feel like he knows, like he's sleeping soundly and then it's like he hears that kettle go and *boom* he's up. Is it too much to ask for just one mug of steaming hot tea a day, a mug of warmth it set me up for chaos or to wind me down from mum life.

That leads me onto a hot meal...                                                                                                                   For someone who loves her food, I don't actually think I've eaten a hot meal in one sitting since he was born. The way dinner works now is I let my over half have his first, perks of him wolfing it down means I can enjoy my meal in peace, even if it is cold at that point. I've even taken to cutting all my food up into little bits just to do it one handed. I know I can hold Barney, balance a bottle in his mouth for a millisecond with I stab food on a fork to shovel into my mouth. Like this is such a little thing I guess I never thought about.

I find that whenever I want a wee or god forbid anything else, my wee is interrupted by the cries of the baby. During the night I've had to master the *hold the baby with one hand and wipe with the other to stop him from screaming my house down* routine. Yes, it is indeed a wild life I live.

All these little things may just seem laughable and I'm sure in a few years I'll look back on this and laugh. I think the one thing I'm struggling with the most, is just the feeling that I'm lost. I'm not myself anymore and that's an odd feeling. I knew my life would change but with this new little person, someone that's always there, I've never felt so lonely. I don't have time to think about me anymore, and god forbid I do I feel like it's greeted with disgust that I could possibly take just a few hours to unwind and not live in the bubble where a tiny human life depends on me. I know that's awful but I'm hoping this is maybe a normal feeling. I don't think this is postnatal depression, I'm back on tablets like I was pre-pregnancy but I think the sheer responsibility that someone else is relying on me to keep them safe, fed, dressed, happy and loved is a lot. 

I have a really supportive family and partner who are always there, yet I just feel so alone. I feel like the minute I stop, take a breath or catch some sleep even....I just feel on edge like everyones just judging me to switching off for a few moments each week. Is this normal for parents to feel? I will re-word that actually, if you're part of a team of parents and you are the main person who looks after your little one(s), do you feel like you can't even take a moment. Like because you're at home with the baby or the children, like you're not entitled to feel tired?

In my day right now, this is the list of things I have to do. I say have, no one is forcing me but while my other half works I try and keep on top of the housework as well. So this is the list of things I have in my day to fit in. 

Get the baby fed.

Get him up and dressed.

Change him.

Clean the bedroom.

Clean the bathroom.

Do the washing up and bottles.

Do a wash load and hang it out.

Organise our finances.

Make dinner (Not a fab meal but you try doing dinner with a 7 feel old that refuses to be put down).

Make his bottles up, normally while he's demanding one so doing a one handed scoop of formula and normally it falling on the side is a mare. Who knew it was so sticky when it was a tad wet.

Eating dinner one handed or cold.

Trying to sooth an overtired baby and get him to bed.

While this may not seem like a lot, keep in mind that these aren't things I can just crack on with anymore. I took that for granted so much before he was here. Who knew I'd be thankful for a peaceful minute to just clean my kitchen. I also then have the guilt of an evening, now I know my other half enjoys his time on Fifa and when he says he'll take over I always see the sigh when Barney cries mid game. Then I feel bad and just offer to take over (He doesn't moan about having to stop playing but the guilt creeps in for me). So normally my day starts at about 7am when Barney wakes up properly for the day, it ends maybe at 11:30 when he finally settles into his big sleep but then I'm up a few times in the night. 

Does this get easier? Is there light at the end of this tunnel or is this just me now? I love my baby with everything I have but being a mum, well a parent in general is hard. Will the guilt fade? Will I get to a place where I feel like I'm able to just go "No, I need to have a day to switch off from baby brain". 

Anyway, sorry for the rambling post. I guess my head is just really all over the place and I just needed a space to express how I was feeling. 

Speak soon x

Mum Life | He's here

Hello there my loves,

Now when I first told you I was expecting I had hoped to update you along the way. Now that never went to plan and while I really wanted to, I found that some pregnancy depression started to creep in. Now did I tell anyone? Not really which was a silly thing to do. I think that there is still a rather big stigma attached to depression and pregnancy. There shouldn't be and I was offered the help if I needed it. It was more just a feeling that people not in a medical profession would judge me. 

Now my gorgeous little boy was born on September 1st and it was nothing like I planned. I had planned for a natural birth, limited pain relief and to be in and out within a day. That was not the case at all and this is going to be a lengthy post so either grab a tea and a snack or maybe just come back when you're ready for this. 

I will say to any parent who is about to go through childbirth then read this and don't be scared, please take comfort in the fact that I too had planned the birth and when things didn't go to plan, I know just how it feels but your body is amazing and all that matters is that you're okay and the baby is happy and healthy. Now I did try to note down what pain relief I was having and what on earth was going on, sadly as the time went on I did loose track a little so please bare that in mind.

Monday - 

On Monday I was asked to go in for induction, the hospital starts the process with a 24 hour pessary I think. If that's wrong then basically they put, what I can only describe as a small shoelace type tampon into my cervix with a gel on it. I was told this was a slow release hormone to try and soften my cervix. Now my fiancé was allowed to stay with me until about 9pm, then he had to go home. Now this was very hard for me, I have never stayed in hospital before so being away from him when I was in the most vulnerable state just crushed me. 

Now I was getting monitored every four hours, so they would come round at all hours, check my blood pressure, temperature and heart rate. They would also pop two little disks on my tummy, one to monitor the baby and one to monitor contractions I assume. Now I won't lie, the second one I never really was interested in hence why I have no clue what it actually did. I was more focused on his little heart beat. I will say, some babies do just dart. My little boy always liked to hide during the scans and he would dart away when he knew people were trying to find him. 

Tuesday - 

At around 10 in the morning they checked to see if my cervix had softened at all and felt to see if I had dilated at all, sadly I had not so they put in a six hour pessary. This was just a gel and this was supposed to be a faster acting hormone. Now I was getting a bit disheartened, family members had told me how they had been induced and it had been from induction to birth under twelve hours. Please take any advice you hear with a pinch of salt, I understand now how important it is to just go into labour with an approach of whatever happens happens. Everyone is different and six hours later, my body has still not dilated. In went another gel and another overnight stay. In the night I did start to get little tightens in my tummy and period like pains but I honestly at this point just thought my body was trying to trick me.

Wednesday - 

Once I'd been woken up for my observation, still very sleepy there was a midlife and a doctor fanny end of me requesting to feel my inside parts. Now of course I obliged, I had no hope at all that I was going to be at a point where I was dilated enough to have my waters broken. They didn't wait for my fiancé but they did what they needed to do, I was actually dilated what they thought was 2cm. I was told (which I could be wrong so do not take this as a medical bit of information) that they could break the waters at 2cm. Now in went a small hook and the waters were broken. I felt a massive gush of water and then a constant trickle. Now I can tell you all now, those waters stay for a while. It felt like I spent all day feeling like I had wet myself.

Now at 9am I was taken into my own room. Finally! Now I thing the job the NHS do is amazing and the fact that in England for me, having a baby doesn't cost me anything. I know in a a lot of countries medical care is very expensive so I am thankful the country I live in has this.....but as someone who has anxiety and a history of depression, being on a ward with lots of other people was very over whelming to me. When I was in my own little room, I was hooked up to a hormone drip. Now I once I was on that drip the contractions kicked in. 

Now at first they were like period pains but then the doctors wanted my drip turned up. The issue with the hormone drip is they were feeding my body full of hormones to bring on contractions so this didn't mean anything was progressing, it just meant my body was in agony. Now they had to monitor the baby the minute I went into my own room, I'm unsure if they do this for all babies as I am only giving my story as a woman who has just had her first. 

I could only get comfortable on my side but sadly the baby wouldn't be monitored like this so I had to just lay flat, something I hated but the baby loved. Because he kept darting they decided to pop a little clip on his head. Now I didn't even know this was a thing but I was told it was an easier was to monitor the baby better and it gave me a tiny bit more freedom with the position I was in. Once that was done I also had a catheter put in which was a very odd experience. For a woman that for nearly 5 years to my partner has tried to play it off that I do not poop or fart, the fact he sat next to a bag that was slowly filling with my piss was top notch. Your dignity really does go out of the window when in labour.

I also said I didn't want my mum there, I just know she hates seeing me in pain and the thought of her worrying about me was going to stress me out more. Come 12pm I was crying to my fiancé telling him I wanted my mum. I mean her car broke down on the way so after about 2 hours she finally made it to me. She was the best support I could have asked for and having her there in that moment, when my body was going through this pain was all I really needed. My mums my world and like my best friend, so to have her there in the end just meant the world to me. 

They checked me at 1pm and I was still barely 2cm dilated. My contractions were thick and fast at this point, I was certain I didn't want any pain relief as I had read up on the effects they can have on the baby. Now while all of them were safe I just wanted to try and do it without but lord I wish I had just take anything they would give me. I will say though, gas and air is bloody lovely. For me it worked a treat and I actually think if they sold these I'd be the first to buy one haha.

6pm came and I was still only 2cm. At this point they had given me the epidural, now that took two attempts and lordddddd.......the pain I felt while they popped that needle into my spine was just awful. For me, and this might just be how my body reacted to it but it last for 30 minutes and wore off. No amount of topping up was helping and its like my body just was rejecting it. The crushing feeling that my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to was setting in and the contractions just got worse, you see the issue with the hormone drip is is basically forces your body into contracting and lord it was the worst pain I have ever felt. Saying that, I can't actually remember it now. It's funny how my body seems to have erased the idea of the pain now. Not that I plan on having any more children for a longggggg time now.

11pm rolled round and still nothing was happening apart from me throwing up green sick on my other half and being in a world of pain. Now at this point doctors were coming in to discuss what needed to be done. The safest bet for me and the baby was to have an emergency C section. Now to me this was the worst case, I just felt like my body had been through all this pain only to fail me when I needed it to work. I got taken down at about 12am, had to have them put a massive needle in my back 3 times in the end as they couldn't get the spot they needed. Once that was all done it was time to get this baby out. Now I thought all of you went numb but from my shoulders up I had feeling, I also go the worst shakes I have ever had. At 1.16am our amazing little boy was brought into this world by the surgeons singing happy birthday to him. 

It was the most surreal thing. They lowered the little curtain and me and my partner say my son coming out and while he was an angry looking thing, it was the most magical moment I think I have ever experienced. That first cry of "I'm here now mummy" melted my heart and in that moment it felt like a blur, my son, my little baby boy was placed onto my chest and in that instant I knew what love was. It's a funny thing, I thought I knew was love was and the boom. This little human made me feel a love I have never felt, a surge of emotion like no other. I don't think I could ever imagine my world without him. He is my everything, my universe and my true love.

Now the recovery was hard but I'll do that all another day. If you got to the end of this post then well done you, I have been writing this on and off for seven weeks now so apologies its taken so long. 

So everyone meet Barnaby. My gorgeous little Barney bear that's made me a mummy and shown me what true love feels like. Everything I ever do will be for you. I promise you that I will try and make you the happiest little boy, while we may not ever have much. You will be filled with so much love and that's all that matters.

Speak spoon x

Newest member |

Hello my loves,

Now its been an up and down year to say that least. 2021 was filled with the most challenging moments of my life. It was the type of year I wanted to just write off, to forget and never look back on. Now while part of the year I don't like to look back to, one little moment changed everything. It changed me. It changed us. 

This little one is due September 1st. Now considering we thought we were going to struggle to have children this came as such a wonderful surprise. We found out about this little one at 2.45pm on the 31st January. we originally went to this scan and it was marked as "infertitly investigation". Now I cried for weeks about those words because to me, being mum is all I've ever dreamed of. Now I know just how lucky we are that this little one came naturally but the shock when they scanned me and went "Sorry did you say you were here for an infertility investigation, because there's already a baby in there" WHAT THE ACUTAL F*CK!

I can now happily confirm to the world (Well Facebook, not that the world cares) that we are carrying a lovely healthy baby. They are not even here yet but my world has changed. Im not not just me. Im me and baby and thats a daunting task. The happiness outweighs all that but I do want to touch on the fact that IT IS OKAY not to feel like you. To feel like you're not the person you once were. I know the old me is still around and being a mum already is the most wonderful thing. Im very thankful to have my other half who has been the biggest support. Through the morning sickness to fetching me snacks at a moments notice.

Meet the newest member of the team...

We moved out recently as well, everyone quizzed why we needed the extra room. Thats now filled with cute little baby clothes, an abundance of books for our little one and a million dreams of who they will become.

I really hope I can share this journey with you all, not that anyone really reads this but I dont want to sugar coat it. If I struggle I want to share that, I want to be able to make sure people know that this is okay. Pregnancy doesn't come with a handy how to book but as a first time mummy to be, I just want to be able to document all the little ups and downs of the journey.

Speak soon x

Work Stress |

Hello my loves,

I write this at 1:15am. I'm drained. Mentally, physically and just drained in every way possible. Life honestly has thrown some curve balls my way recently but I think I'm at the end of the line on what I can take. I have worked the same job for six years. Now while my job isn't important, it can be stressful. I used to go into work and still manage to have a good day. There would always be one reason to smile even though it would be manic.

Lately I come home angry about the day. I come home with the weight of everything on my shoulders. The team I work with can be lovely but then some days the toxic traits fill the air and I can hardly breath. Today I got in trouble for simply helping someone. You know those days where you go "I can admit I'm a bitch but for once I was actually just trying to be nice and help someone else" and it just got thrown back in my face.

I won't apologise for doing my job, I won't apologise for knowing that while everyone else will happily just run around in the chaos, I will step up and take charge and go no we need to do this. That trait doesn't come naturally to me. It's something I have had to learn to do and I'll be damned if I get told I'm in the wrong for doing my job and keeping things going. 

People assume I do fuck all at my job but the amount of heavy lifting and work I do that they don't see, it's like it just doesn't matter. I could sit and tell thousands of tales of some of the people around me but I won't. I won't give them the time of day or my brain space anymore. I think I have finally realised that I need to get out of that place. My one tie to the job won't be there much longer soon and I am honestly thinking of just leaving. Now it's not a decision I am taking lightly. I am not a quitter. I don't like to give up when things get hard, I just feel like I am being left with no choice. My mental wellbeing is suffering massively now and I know that if I don't take action now, this job will destroy me. 

I have honestly given my all to that place and for what? For lack of respect. For having my name dragged through the mud for doing my job. I just know when I everniutally get pregnant, I have to weigh up if it is healthy for me to be trying to grow a new human with that much stress. the answer is of course no. I wouldn't want to risk any harm or stress. Now some might say its a silly reason to quit my job. Financially I would be okay and I know I would find a job again. Now I know I am very fortunate to have a job in the current climate but honestly, for my own well being now. It's just not worth it. It's not worth the hours I come home and shout and cry about work. It's not worth the days off I spend ill in bed because I have stressed out so much about the day to come. 

Anyone else had an issue with a toxic workplace? Did it get any better? Did you leave? just let me know in the comments please as I am struggling right now. I just want to be able to leave work there and just be able to find some peace.

Love always,

Maggie-Rose x

Accepting Who I Am | A Long Time Coming

 Hello my loves,

Now anyone that knows me well, will know that I have taken a long time to who accept who I am. I have always struggled with how I am as a person. I've had my character dragged through the mud recently. I've been accused of making peoples lives hell and basically being controlling and that isn't me. 

I'm realising that just because I have a mental heath problem, some people take that and turn it back on me and use it against me. Now I've been put on fluoxetine to help balance my moods and hopefully just make things a lot better for me. The events in my life lately destroyed me. They ripped the heart out of me and I've had to re-build who I am. Instead of changing all the parts of me that someone destroyed. I've decided to just live my true self. 

I won't be made to feel weak because I struggle with mental health. I won't be made to feel ugly because I choose not to wear make up all the time. I won't be made to feel like a bitch for getting mad when plans are changed on me last minute and I will be damned if I let the actions of people in my past affect my future. I'm stronger. I building a better me. One that won't stand for the shit anymore. People could look at one of my life choices and just think "Whyyyyyyyyy" and I totally get it. But in the same respect. It's a choice I've had to make for me, against the opinion of others I've followed my heart. Granted this was the same heart that got torn from me and trampled on. It left me broken, dejected and feeling like a worthless piece of shit. But that heart has started to mend. It's more guarded and it's just doing things that will make it happy now. If I find I'm not happy. I walk away. I'm not up for a life of pleasing anyone else but me now. 

In some respects, accepting me for who I am has made me a bigger bitch. I think because this isn't like me. I'm a people pleaser and I always have been. I've allowed people to treat me like shit for so long that I forgot who I was. Now she's back and damn she's doing what's right for her. I'm just proud of myself. I think I could sit and let the past define me. I could let them win. The monsters from my past are a daily reminder to not forget how strong I am. The images that pop into my head, fill me with so much anger are there to remind me that no one can be trusted. We just have to have faith that we will get treated better. 

I don't know where I'm going but this journey is shaping me into the woman I need to be. I am exactly how I need to be. I am strong. I am a "powerhouse" allegedly and I like that. I am chunky but I love it. I have scars but every mark on my skin is a battle I have fought alone, a battle I have won. Everyone I have ever crossed has seen a different version of me. Only one person on this planet knows the real me and sadly I won't get to see her much for a while. I know I need to just protect me. I know I need to be that person. That outspoken person who is sure of herself. 

There will be a lot of people who are not prepared for the woman I am becoming but damn, she's been treated like shit for so long that it's time for me to claim back who I am. So here's to all of us. The people we have been hiding for so long. The versions of us we finally have the courage to be. For too long we have been put down, treated like a short to a film. We are the blockbuster. This is our story and let's start living it. I'm happy with who I am and I encourage you to evaluate things, see what makes you happy. Realise that you're perfect just the way you and and please just make sure you are happy.

So here's to the woman that likes to be in bed by 9. Who indulged in the extra biscuits even though there's probably crumbs down her bra already from a pack of digestives. For the woman who everyone calls a bitch because she knows her own mind. Here's to me. Here's to the person I am.

Mental Health | Possible Bipolar

Hello my loves,

Now whilst I want this space online to be filled with positivity and love, I also want it to reflect the struggles we all have at one point or another. Now my mental health has been something I have struggled with since I was maybe about seventeen. I'm not sure why but I started to notice that I wasn't coping all that well. My moods would go from one to another in an instant. I find that I have days when I'm on top of the world and so happy, yet within an instant I can go into very depressive states very quickly.

Now I won't say I understand Bipolar, this is just what the mental health nurse thinks I most probably have. I'm in the process of getting assessed for it now. Now that conversation was the most important one of my life and the scariest. Now my mental health struggles I have only really ever shared with my best friends and my other half. Lately though, things happened in my life that triggered it all again. Thats when I knew I needed help.

Now I will say this next part will come with a trigger warning so this will get dark. I just feel like speaking about it may be able to help some people, I fully understand if you would like to click off now as I don't want to cause any upset. Now that I've given you that warning lets get started. Now I found that a few years ago, self harm became a coping mechanism for me. Now I know that it is never the answer, but anyone that has felt like that is a way to cope will understand that at that time in my life, turning mental pain into physical pain helped. 

Now I am not condoning it at all because I know that I should have reached out but I'm just telling you my story. Now I have tried committing suicide a few times, thankfully my attempts were flawed and I'm here to tell my tale. Now a few weeks ago I tried and thats when it clicked in my head that I need to get help. I think there's such a stigma around people that feel suicidal. People say that they are attention seeking if they tell people but then if they keep it quiet, people question why we never speak up. I think we are all so quick to judge but you unless you've felt the pain and suffering, the need to think that ending your own life is better than living. You can never understand. I think we just need to learn to have more comparisons. 

Now for me, I don't think the little cloud of darkness will ever really go. This is part of me and I know that the good days will outweigh the bad, but I'm okay with who I am. I'm really happy that I am getting the help I need. For me, I think they spark of I need to be here for my future children. I need to be here for my family. I need to be here to witness all the little moments of joy my life still has to come. Well that is what sparked me to finally speak up. Finally ask for help. Now if it's not Bipolar, then I'm sure professionals will get to the bottom of what is going on in my head. I think I feel like a little weight has been lifted now that someone else knows my story. Now if you are feeling like this, please just reach out. Even if you don't want to talk to someone you know. Theres so much help out there, or even just drop me a little message and I will do my best to try and help. Below I will link a few places that really helped me and like I said, even if you dont want to speak to them then you can always message me and I will do my best to help.

Here's to getting the help I need and starting to find a happier more balanced me.

Love always,

Maggie-Rose

Boohoo Purchases |

Hello my loves,

Now last week apparently I saw my Hermes Driver more than my family.....I think he may think I have a shopping problem. Now while in totally I only got 5 things, I got a few sizes and sent a few bits back. Hence why me and the delivery man are now like best pals. Honestly he's seen me 6 times this week and thats more than I've seen my other half. Now I only actually have three pictures on here at this present time. One of these I got in two colours so thats where the other picture went. 

Daisy shorts and bodysuit |

Now *BOOB ALERT*. I'm sorry but the spaniel ears are very present in this photo but I personally have a new found confidence in bodysuits. Now I find that to get the boobs how I want them, I size down. With Boohoo I have found that for my shape, I have to size up on the bottoms and size down on the top. Mainly because if I bend over I don't want my boobs falling out.

Now these Daisy shorts are a new firm favourite of mine. I normally shy away from high waisted bottoms, my stomach has always been something I am very conscious of. These shorts however make me feel very confident in that area of my body. They are really comfy and honestly sit just perfectly around my waist. Now if you want the shorts just click here

Bodysuits. Now I used to hate these with a passion, I won't lie, feeling a bodysuit uncomfortably sit on my bum isn't for me, I just undo the poppers so it basically becomes a top. I have found that depending on how much boob I want on show depends on whether I brave the uncomfortable feeling of poppers on my nether regions (In my head that was funny). Now I got this in black and white. I found that normally I am a 20 on top, I got this in a 16 and it fits like a dream on me, just bare that in mind when ordering. I personally like mine a little more snug so if you like it a little looser I'd recommend sizing down. But they do a little tool on there to help find your size which I have found so useful. 

If you want to grab the bodysuit just click here

Yellow playsuit |

I am not normally a person that suits yellow. I'm not saying I do now. I'm just saying its grown on me slightly with this playsuit. Now maybe its the florals that have made me fall in love with this, maybe its the fact that it covers my arms. We will never know. Now I think I might need to size down on this, the bottom is perfect but the top is just a little too loose. Now I like a loosey goosey top but this one just lets my boobs fall out of it. And if I'm wearing this at my local Tescos and need to bend down, I think the last thing little old Dorris needs to see are my spaniel ears dropping in the biscuits. Overall I really love it, I would just size down with this one. 

If you want to take a little look at this just click here.

Pink floral playsuit |

OH MY LORD. Now this is a bit of me. I love anything floral and this fits like a dream. Honestly never felt so much comfort in a playsuit. This was has sleeves but you can easily tuck those in and just wear it like a boob tube top if you wanted to. Now I dont even need a bra with this and it fits perfectly, like no issues with boobs falling into things in this one. My only thing I would say it could improve on......it just needs a pocket. 

I dont know where my obsession with pockets comes from but I love them. Just a little pocket to pop a bank card in, a phone or I'll be damned.....a little snack (Said the plus size lady. The irony.). 

If you want to have a little look at this one, which I highly recommend you do then just click here.

Now thats all I got this week. Now I do have another item on the way but that won't be here until tomorrow. Honestly if they had a way I got get same day delivery I would be thrilled. Now I think thats all for me today. Im hopefully going on a little walk later and I cant wait. Nothing like a forest to help clear my brain.

Love always, 

Maggie-rose